fumbling, unfluent | what i learned in my first week of university

It's been a while, huh? The past week has been hectic, between navigating university (especially during a pandemic), online learning, socialising™ and homesickness. I don't know if anybody reading this is in a similar situation, but honestly I found it difficult - enjoyable and exciting, but coming from a close-knit family in the middle of nowhere, it took a while for me to find my feet. In many ways, I still am. 

One of my professors shared a reflective piece he had written in the middle of lockdown - as a doctor, he encountered many people struggling to adapt to the 'new normal', and one phrase he used to describe the general feeling of many towards the strangeness of pandemic life was "fumbling, unfluent".

I feel like not only does this sum up how we are all struggling to adapt, in many ways I related to it on a personal level - at the start of the week, online learning scared me. Usually, speaking in front of many people comes rather easily to me (I credit debate team for this character development), but speaking virtually on everyone's laptop felt...somehow....intimate. 

Day-to-day, I struggle with that, if I'm being entirely honest - a running joke in my family is that I'm useless with customer service such as ordering at restaurants or asking a sales assistant for help. Big crowds don't faze me as all the faces blur together - but one-on-one conversations, knowing that the other person is focused on every detail of you? It makes me uneasy.

So knowing that I was in everyone's faces when I tried to speak in lectures, popping up on their screen, was uncomfortable for me - but in the end, rewarding. I made my points, I asked my questions, and on the other side I gained a clearer picture of what this 'new normal' may entail for people like me. I've injured my foot, so the classes I would be in-person for are now all online for me (at least this week), so on the one hand I'll have plenty of time to take myself out of my comfort zone.

Comfort zone. That very concept ties in with what I want to talk about next - socialising.

It sounds simple, but please keep in mind that I moved into a building of strangers, each of whom my brain found some way to be intimidated by - they are all lovely people, thankfully, but I do find socialising with people I don't know well to be...awkward...sometimes. I am working on throwing myself out of my comfort zone. I have to. 

So far, I've met a few people. Obviously with the pandemic, not as much as I probably would have in normal circumstances (cheers, covid), but everyone I have met has been friendly and welcoming. The work has been interesting and thought-provoking. Also, I can get Uber Eats right to my door which is a definite plus.

And believe it or not, I feel confident. Despite my tendency to lean towards the 'awkward' side when it comes to being social, something here feels....different. An example would be that when I was in school, I had to wear makeup every day or else I would be unbearably self-conscious. But now? A couple of days into my first week, I sat in the kitchen of my student accommodation and talked to people, makeup-free and wearing flannel pyjamas and slippers. 15-year-old me would rather have swallowed glass.

The point I am trying to make - amongst the rambling anecdotes of an over-excited first year - is that we are going to be "fumbling, unfluent" right now; it is the nature of the time we are in. Coping with a global pandemic is not easy. This is a period of difference and change, and for me that is scary - but I can cope with it.